Reject

I love to sing.  Singing connects me to God, allows me to pretend that I will be a backup singer for Tina Turner someday, and is a never-ending source of joy.

In fifth grade, my teacher, Mrs. Pfau, told me: "do yourself a favor and never sing aloud."

It stung.  It silenced me.  For years, I never sang where others could hear me (although NO ONE could stop my in-car solos!)  Whenever I was tempted to sing in front of others, the voices of self-doubt sang loudly in my heart.  But with the coaxing of my roommate in college, I finally started singing again.

I have been singing ever since.  In no way am I implying that I am a good singer, but I sure enjoy it.  I have sung on a TON of worship teams, sung at weddings and funerals, done plenty of solos, and relish the times that my husband and I sing together.

Last week, my husband, our daughter, and I auditioned for the worship team at the church we have been attending.  It is SO vulnerable to audition for strangers, especially because I can still hear the words of Mrs. Pfau in my ears...

"Do yourself a favor and never sing aloud."

We finally heard from the worship pastor yesterday.  My husband and daughter were chosen, but I was not.  Ouch.  I tried to pretend that it was not a blow to my pride.  I am truly happy for them, but truly wounded for me.  I have actually shed tears over it.  HOW EMBARRASSING!

"Do yourself a favor and never sing aloud."

The question is: am I going to let the rejection silence me?  Will I be able to sing aloud again and not think of my disappointment and shame?

Time will tell...

Amberly

It. Is. Finished.

Well, I did it.  I completed my first (and only) triathlon.

I h trained.  I followed all the advice of friends, colleagues, and bloggers.  I had all the right equipment. I choked.

The swim was only 1/2 mile long and on beautiful Lake Mead.  My best friend, Debbie, swore to stay with me through the triathlon (this was her 5th) and I am glad she did.

All the beginners were in the last heat.  It was hard enough being in a wetsuit in public, but the swimming cap made me look like a goddess indeed.  I ventured into the water and had not gone 100 feet  - when I panicked.  All the symptoms of a panic attack - shortness of breath, heart palpitations, nausea, impaired judgment, country music in my head - showed up like old friends.  I kept looking at the shore; only the sound of my best friend's voice stopped it from being the shortest attempt at a tri in U.S. (heck, international) history.

After a few failed attempts at any of the strokes I had practiced, I started backstroking.  Debbie and I came up with a system wherein she would pat my arm or leg depending on in which direction I needed to swim.  She encouraged.  She cheered.  She doggy-paddled for 1/2 while I tried to avoid throwing up.

I had to change my clothes into gear for biking once the swimming portion was over.  After a failed attempt at not flashing those changing around me and dropping my towel (oops.  Sorry, sir.  Some things cannot be unseen.), I got on the bike.  It was a grueling steady climb of 14 miles.  I think about 12 of that had a 6% incline, which does not seem like much, but it got hard.

My body started hurting in parts that shall remain unnamed.  Oh. My. Goodness.

And Debbie?  She just kept encouraging.  She got quiet when I would throw a fit.  She would gently encourage me with tips and point out landmarks along the way.  She loved me even when I said disparaging things.  We talked candidly about life.  She never left my side.

After a three mile jog (mostly walking), we crossed the finish line together and I have never been so thankful to be her friend.

She literally embodied the role of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer.  She directed, guided, nudged, encouraged, pushed, loved, but mostly, she just never left my side.  She was on my team the whole time.

I need to remember that the next time I have a hard time "feeling" God.  He is on Team Amberly and will never leave my side.  Even when I can't stop looking at the shore in times of storm.  Even when I say disparaging things about myself.  Even when I fail.  He loves me and He loves you.

I am thankful for His presence...

Amberly

If at first you don't succeed, TRI, TRI again

Well, I am attempting by first Triathlon (TRI) in the morning.  I have been training.  I have been focused.  I have also been scared.

I am afraid of failing.

I am afraid of looking foolish.

I am afraid of disappointing people who have helped me.

I am afraid of being in a wetsuit in public.

Ugh.

As the great philosopher, John Wayne, once said, "Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway."

As the Greatest One ever once said, "...Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, but the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go (even in wetsuits)." (Joshua 1:9)

So, I will take both of those tidbits of wisdom and do my best tomorrow.  I will let you know how it goes...

Are you facing something difficult today?  Co-workers? Kids? Spouse? Boss? Traffic? Overload?  Stress? Wetsuits?  Know that you are not alone.   I empathize, but even better, God supplies.

Saddle up.  And then look up.

Amberly

Burn, Baby, Burn

I burned my hand yesterday.

We were preparing an amazing meal for a dinner party.

I was preparing two homemade French apple pies.  Pulling them out of the oven, some of the hot apple pie residue dripped onto one of my fingers.

I did everything I have been trained to do in such an emergency.

But it still hurts.

The funny thing is, I feel it most when heat hits the area: in the shower, washing dishes, or pulling toast out of the toaster.  It is like my hand protests that it does not want to be hurt again by sending pain signals to my brain.

It will take awhile for the damaged skin around my finger to look "normal" again.

When we have been hurt by someone, it is often most painful when we face the same situation (or heat) again.  Because it feels embarrassing to be "burned" yet again.

But I want to not love people from a place of damage, but instead, a place of wholeness.  Despite some of the "burns" I have received over the years, I want to love wholeheartedly, serve without reservation, and trust without the fear of being hurt.

The Psalmist provide some perspective on this subject in Psalm 130:3-5

"If You, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve You.
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His Word I put my hope."

Only with God, can I truly be forgiven and in turn, forgive.
Only when I wait in eager anticipation for God, read His Word, and remember the things for which He has forgiven me, can I release the "burned" feelings and truly live.

By, the way, the pies were delicious.  Totally worth it :)

Amberly

the Popular Table

I was mildly popular in high school.

Drama kid, did track, cheerleader, mascot, student council, president of the Spanish National Honor Society, soccer player, and worked almost full-time.

But I was never at the popular table.  Every school has one and every school has kids who sit at them - and kids who wish they could.

But high school was a LONG time ago, and I should be "past" such things.  I should be spiritually mature enough not to care.  But I still do.

Our camp hired a new staff member.  He is young, hip, creative, funny (moreso than I), and to top it off, he is genuinely likeable.  Seriously awesome.

At first, I thought I was at the popular table at work.  But not anymore.  I am not asked to be part of new committees, focus groups (maybe because I can't focus), nor any cutting-edge projects.  We are not invited to dinner or out for events.

But I will tell you which table I DO sit at.  It is the wisdom table.  After almost 25 years of ministry experience, I have a few insights about what to do and what not to do.

I also sit at the prayer table.  I am so honored to pray for the staff every day.  I love these people (though most are young enough to be my kids).  I truly love them.  It is an honor to talk to God about each of them.

I don't need to sit at the popular table.  I need to trust that God has a purpose for me at whichever table He chooses to place me.

Amberly

IN YOUR FACEbook

I love Facebook.

I love viewing baby pictures and honor roll awards and wedding reception photos.  I love seeing job promotions, praises about God's provision in the life of another, and updates about people for whom I care.

I hate, however, how I feel sometimes after a stint on Facebook.  Not just because some of my more politically charged friends can offend others faster than a speeding bullet (although that is disheartening).  It is because I am envious.

I envy the perfect life of those on Facebook.

I am thrilled your kids has gotten straight A's since conception.  Mine haven't.

I am pleased that you have lost a million pounds and don't struggle to eat bread every day.  I can't say that.

I am excited that you have a great church home with no drama and a thriving ministry.  I don't.

I am glad that you LOVE cleaning house.  Not me.

I am glad that you can see friends from high school without shuttering at the poor choices you made back then.  I can't.

I am glad you get invited to tons of soirees with friends in exotic locations.  We don't.

I am glad your spouse makes bazillions of dollars working part-time and still has time to coach all the Little League teams for all 12 of your offspring.  Mine doesn't.

We are normal.  We are broken.  We are imperfect.  We make mistakes all the time.  We need Jesus.  In a BIG way.

I once heard someone use these films terms to drive home a point, "Never compare your 'dailies' to the 'highlight reels' of others".

I need to remember that.  Maybe you do, too...

Amberly

Help Wanted

My husband is actively looking for a job.

Since moving to Prescott, he has been busy building beds for our new house, unloading boxes, registering the kids for school, holding down the fort while I work more hours in a week than I thought possible, made meals, provided tons of support through my job change (and missing my friends, and gaining weight, and...), served as the carpool master, and pretty much been a rock star.

He has applied for many jobs, but to date, none have recognized what an incredible guy he is.

We have always moved to a new place because of a call on his life, but this is the first time MY ministry has lead to a move.  (Please hear me, I know ministry involves both parties, but you know what I mean.)

We have spent a lot of time praying for God to provide a job.

We have spent more time worrying about it, though.  At least I have.

It has been hard for me not to micromanage the situation.  It has been a good exercise for me to trust God's timing and my husband's abilities long enough to stop fretting.

My fretting is blocking my ability to lean on Him alone.  Somehow, I think worrying about it is my contribution to the situation.  I can laugh about it as I type this, but I am just being honest.

I. WANT. MY. HUSBAND. TO. FIND. A. JOB.

A job that feeds his soul.  A job that helps with the bills.  A job that employs his gifts.  A job that reminds him of his purpose.  A job that provides a great community (like I have at work).

Psalm 62:1 reminds me that the Psalmist needed to trust in God despite his circumstances. "My soul is at rest in God alone.  My salvation comes from Him."

God has got this.  My back.  My husband's back.  Our salvation (both literally and figuratively) comes from Him.

I needed to write this post.  I needed the reminder.  Maybe you did, too.

Blessings!

Amberly


 

The Road Less Traveled

Don't let the title fool you - I am not ABOUT to wax poetic.

Due to training for a triathlon, I have been riding a bike.  Not the Huffy 10-speed that I rode as an early teen, but a serious (what was I THINKING) road bike.  The kind that you shift.  The kind that you need to wear shoes that clip into the pedals.  The kind that you need the most unflattering yet expensive shorts you have ever purchased.  The kind that increases your prayer life because you are CERTAIN a crash is in your future.

I have learned a lot about the roads in my neighborhood.

The same roads that I drive everyday with no thought of an incline have proven to be MUCH more difficult on the bike.

In a car, one cannot possibly understand the gravity of poor paving, small shoulders of the road, and hills like one can as a bike rider.  Or a walker for that matter.  Sometimes, when jogging, I am shocked at how different the same road is when I am on my bike.

One cannot truly judge a road from the car.

One can also not judge another's life from a "drive-by" glance of their Facebook post, a quick "ride" through their past, or even a "trip" through the behavior of their children.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who have loved me enough to get out of their cars and off of their bikes long enough to walk alongside me and make my journey more joyful.

I am a better traveler because of them.

I hope I am a blessing in their journeys as well.

Journey on!

Amberly

It has been a year.  A YEAR since my last post.  Ridiculous!  Outrageous!  

The last year has been a whirlwind; like everyone else's life, the last twelve months have been filled with elation, frustration, disappointment, excitement, joy, tears, change, and stagnation.

The last year has brought about a job change, a move to a new state, saying goodbye to old friends, saying hello to new ones, painting two houses, selling one of them, new schools for the kids, unemployment for my husband, a graduation, weight loss and gain, and a whole lot of God's faithfulness.

He is the only true constant.  God is the only component of my life that stays the same, loves me through my changes, and does not add stress.  He is the only one that gives more than He asks.  I KNOW these things to be true, but I do not always LIVE them...

Why is He the last place I go to for comfort sometimes?
Why do I trust in the arms of my husband or a plate of food more than Him sometimes? 
Why do I look for my value in the performance of my kids or the number on the scale rather than His perception of me?

I don't know.  But what I DO know is that He loves me anyway and wants me to grow.

Psalm 16:5  "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure."
Let me unpack that for a moment:

Lord - who He is
You alone - that which sets Him apart from all other things in my life
are - whether I am practicing it, He is
my portion - all that I need right now
and - wait, there's more!
my cup - all I will ever need
You make - He is capable of everything
my lot - my future hope
secure - safe and protected


Isn't that an awesome promise?

God never skips a year or month or week or day or hour or minute or second or millisecond to be faithful.

As far as I have come, I still have a lot to learn...about God and about being a blogger.

Want to join me in my journey?

Amberly